Today is a very special day, it is what I lovingly call my mom’s Heavenly Birthday, the day that is etched deep in my heart. It is interesting how some memories of that day have stayed with me and others have drifted to the far recesses of my heart. I had the honor to be at the bedside when my mom took her last breath, I sat there for several minutes waiting and watching for a breath that never came again and then I cried. It was tears of sadness, tears of relief and tears from pure exhaustion as I had slept very little in the days and quite literally the months before she passed.
I opened the window like I had done for my dad, who had passed almost 7 years prior and for the hundreds of others that I have cared for at the end of life. I remember when I was a CNA, a nurse, who I deeply admired, shared that opening the window helps to release their spirit to the heavens. I have honored that ritual to this day as well as some other practices that have helped my heart to heal.
Bearing witness to a last breath is the most sacred moment and is the greatest honor. It is incredible to watch a baby take its first breath and just as profound when someone takes their last breath. Both are such life changing events, but somehow when someone breathes out for the final time, there is such a stillness and sacredness that causes me to pause, bow my head, slow my own breathing down and allow myself to become fully present, to be what I like to call ”Being where my hands are.”
I tell my clients’ families that there is no rush after their loved one takes their final breath, reminding them that death is not an emergency and that there is nothing that needs to be done right away. I encourage them to sit, grab a cup of hot tea, or any beverage of their choice and just sit next to their loved one. The phone calls and other tasks can wait for a little while, reminding them that they are never going to get this time back with their person, so take all of the time that you need. I believe that the essence of our loved ones are still present right after death so taking time to share stories, telling them how much we love them and honoring that final time together can be just as sacred as we begin to gently move from caregiver to griever.
Hindsight is always 20/20 and I wished that I would have known then, what I know now. I would have waited a bit longer at the bedside with my mom and I wished I would have not called the hospice nurse so quickly, it seems like the funeral home came quickly and then she was gone. Literally gone forever.
Even though it has been eight years, it feels like yesterday when I connect with my heart. Even though the grief isn’t as potent, the waves of grief still wash over me at the most unexpected times, like when I went to the grocery store and the song “Ain’t no mountain high enough” came on, many tears were shed as I was shopping in the produce section. It is such a good song and boy could we all belt that one out together. We often had spontaneous concerts at our house singing with anything that resembled a microphone: the hairbrush, spatula, or comb. In the later years, my son, niece and nephew would carry on the tradition of putting on spectacular performances with their karaoke machine. Such special memories.
I recently spoke with a friend who shared that she was a bit worried about a friend who recently lost her husband. She shared that she was concerned as her friend was not grieving appropriately because she was joyful and that she was excited that her husband had gone to Heaven. Her question caused me to pause and reflect upon a situation that I had personally experienced with a loved one. There was joy and happiness about our loved ones passing and I thought to myself, “What the heck? That is “Not how we are supposed to grieve” and I have seen it occasionally when others have passed since. Now I understand…
There is no rulebook on grieving, and people respond and act differently through the grieving process. To be honest, it actually makes my heart smile big that she is happy, because she likely has an inner knowing of where her husband is. Sometimes there is suffering especially at the end and people feel such relief, knowing that the suffering has ended for their loved one.
Nothing is “normal”, and everyone grieves differently, so I have thrown that “rule” out of the window personally.
The only thing that we can do when we are supporting a person who is grieving is to just meet them where they are and allow them to feel whatever it is that they are feeling.
We may find moments of deep sorrow and even have moments of great joy and everything in between, it is all “normal”. What is normal really?
I try to remind myself to check my own expectations at the door of what I think grief should look like. As death draws near for those who are entering the final stages, they may have already had many loved ones that have passed and there seems to be an understanding and acceptance of death and peace around it, especially for those who have a strong religious faith or are deeply spiritual, like an inner knowing that brings comfort. I feel like it is an ultimate act of surrender, some let go easily and some find surrendering a bit more challenging. I hope that I can surrender into the process, perhaps paving the way for those I love showing that death is nothing to fear, but another transition, perhaps getting an opportunity to be with those who passed before me. I think that it will be a lovely family reunion.
Grief is so personal and there is no rule book on how we “get over grief”. Grief becomes a part of us and we surrender to the unsteady ground we found ourselves on. Tears flow often and I no longer feel embarrassed by the tears and the waves of emotion that overcome me at times. The longer that I am alive, I am reminded how precious life really is and the only thing that we get to take with us when we leave this planet is LOVE. So love boldly and love loudly and tell all of your people how much you LOVE them because each day truly is a gift.
XO Christine
If you or someone you know is struggling with grief or are looking for support on your grieving journey, check out these wonderful resources and know that you are never alone.
Grief share is a wonderful nationwide grief and loss support group : https://www.griefshare.org/
FREE Doulagivers Grief Guide:
https://doulagiversofidahopnw.doulagiverslegacyleaders.com/events-free-resource
The Dougy Center has many resources available for grief and loss :
What a wonderful and eloquent read. My Mom died in March and navigating my grief alongside my Dad has been enlightening. Allowing space for all forms of expression from joy and laughter to waves or gut wrenching sadness are part of the journey.. The gift for having loved deeply. I love how you have paid tribute to your Mom. Xo
Thank you so much for sharing about the recent loss of your mom and the vast ocean of emotions as we navigate grief. Thank you also for the reminder that it is all part of the journey and the gifts we receive from this from having known such love. XO